6 years and 20 months later I still can NOT get my $hit together...

So I have a particular way of doing things. I like routine, I have a great appreciation for consistency. I thrive on structure. I am a creature of habit. One would think that a person of such character would have an easy time establishing new patterns.

Well it's been six years and twenty months since I had the distinct honor of becoming a mother (x2), and I'm still trying to get my $hit together.

Now the first baby is an adjustment, that is no lie. But eventually you find a rhythm and instinct kicks in. It was definitely a challenge leaving my first daughter at home when my maternity leave came to an end, but I quickly adapted to the constant lingering feeling of guilt and developed a schedule.

Enter baby #2 into the mix 4 1/2 years later.... I'm still struggling with general daily tasks.

Just getting dressed in the morning is a monumental achievement. I must float between three bedrooms during the entire process for about 25 minutes. As I am still draped in my bath towel and brushing my teeth I enter the bedroom of my oldest daughter to wake her up. Once she stirs, it's back to the bathroom to spit out my toothpaste and rinse. Next step is lotion for my face as I re-enter the bedroom to wake my daughter for the second time. By the time I'm done putting my hair products in, her feet FINALLY hit the floor.

Then it's onto the baby's room. At this point I have reached the stage of dress pants and bra. After I get the littlest one's diaper change, it's baby on hip back into the oldest's room. This is the point at which I threaten a day spent in her bedroom if she doesn't quickly finish getting dressed. Let's be honest, we all know this threat is a big fat lie.... BUT what other ammunition do I have?

At this stage in the process I am completely dressed, took me long enough right? Now its a pony tail for my daughter, down stairs and make breakfast, feed the fish (hate that damn fish), let out and feed the dog, gather lunches and back pack.

Hmmm. What am I forgetting? Always something. This routine never seems to go off without a hitch. Today I forgot to leave the car seats for the babysitter.

In the past I've left me travel mug (filled with my much needed caffeine fix) on the counter, forgotten to leave my husband car keys, left behind my lifeline of an iPhone (which at this point I have NO choice but to circle back to the house). Gone without breakfast or abandoned my lunch bag.

BUT, I've never forgotten to kiss my sweet angels or husband goodbye, never forgotten to tell them how much I love them, and that I wish them all a good day.

So even to know my life is messy and chaotic for a Mom who is addicted to process and routine, I guess I'm doing ok. Because at the end of the day, all that matters is that I never stop trying to give my kids and my hubby the very best of me.

Blue Poop?

Let me begin by saying I am not an earthy crunchy mom who feeds her kids only oraganic food and hasn't introduced refined sugar into their diets yet. I have always felt as long as they are getting what they need, what's the harm in processed food?

So this morning as I am changing my son's diaper I noticed his poop had some blue in it. Not like "I ate too many blue berries blue" but like bright unnaturally colored blue. At first I panicked and then I remember the large quantities of Crunch Berries he ate yesterday. And I laughed. Judge away :)

Hats off to FRIDAYS!!!!!

Is it wrong to love a specific day of the week so much? Perhaps it is because it means I can sleep in the following day. Or that the girls and I have movie nights and stay up late. The hubby arrives home early from the night shift and that's also a special and welcomed treat! And for some reason the work day seems a bit more tolerable ;0)

This day of the week triggers a promise that a break in routine is just around the corner. For whatever the reason, I will always and forever be in love with Fridays! Sundays, well not so much.

Ellipses

The word is from Ancient Greek and means "falling short". I think of it as those three periods that I can use to create run-on sentences at will. But I like its original meaning...that by using them, I am letting you the reader know that this sentence is going to fall short. That something is going to be omitted, or left out or left up to you.

I feel my life as a parent is an ellipses. Like I am constantly trying to play catch-up over falling short in some way. That while I am at work I am slowly being omitted from my children's lives...replaced by the real life version of three periods in a row.

I didn't see my son all day yesterday, left the house in the morning before he was awake and when I checked on him when I got home he had long been asleep. This morning he woke up early and his dad went to get him while I made myself a piece of toast and nursed the baby. When he came toddling out I gave him a big smile and said "good morning". His eyes got big and he revealed a toothy grin and came running over to me...took my toast...and headed back to his father.

Just another ... moment.

Why Is This Controversial?

I have a long commute two days a week and often fill the time listening to sports talk radio. I mean where else can you hear updates on sports and current events as told through the purview of sports fans. The morning show is a call in one, as most are, and this morning the hot topics fell into three categories: Tim Thomas of the Bruins, The upcoming Superbowl match up between The Pats and The Giants and Joe Paterno.

Here was what I couldn't believe. People were calling in talking about what a great man he was, how of course he is being celebrated as a hero, how thousands are in State College, PA to pay their respects to a "great man."

OK. The commentators disagreed with these callers. So do I. This is a man who knew for 13 years that one of his coaches was molesting little boys. Who was told by another coach that he had witnessed the abuse taking place. Who did nothing. This is not a man to be held up and celebrated. This is a man so concerned about his own reputation that he could not be bothered to stop the sexual abuse of boys. And by remaining silent is complicit in that abuse. Paterno is not a pedophile, but he, like so many others who have stood by and allowed the sexual abuse of children to continue is just as guilty.

So while I am not glad Paterno is dead, I have a hard time celebrating the life of someone who stood by and did nothing. The children of this country have a right to be kept safe and to be given a voice. No one is talking about the victims and the impact these acts have had and will continue to have on them. All of the research shows that children who are abused suffer long after the abuse has stopped. Instead of remembering Paterno for his 409 wins, can we instead remember him as someone who played a crucial role in the ongoing suffering of Sandusky's victims?

But the final note, and maybe what frightens me more, are the thousands who defend him, celebrate him and are convinced he did nothing wrong. The message they send, is that the life of a football coach is more important then the lives of the victims. These supporters, intentionally or not, are minimizing the crimes committed and sending the message that as long as you excel in something high profile, it is OK to enable criminals. The callers defending Paterno were fired up, angry that the commentators were defiling the name of their hero...as though he is the REAL victim here. I lost some faith in human beings this morning. And I worry about the type of world I am raising my children in.

This is one CRANKY MOMMA!

Have you ever woken up on the wrong side of the bed? Maybe you forgot to take your "happy" pill. Failed to remove the pole from your a$$? Well, no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed my friend. Because today, all of the previously mentioned describes yours truly, yes people I mean me.

I'm the woman who shot you a "seriously?" glance when you sat down on my lap while you took your seat on the T. And that's not because the seats are not wide enough to accommodate even a size 5 behind. Nope! It's because when I quietly just shifted in my seat to avoid lapping my entire commute, you proceeded to take the second half of my seat.

Why am I SO unwilling to yield in this matter you ask? Perhaps it's because I'm on day 4 of no sleep because I'm dealing with a 20 month old whom for whatever reason refuses to sleep. Or maybe it's because I constantly keep tripping over shoes left in my way as I attempt to make my portable caffeine fix in the morning, despite the fact, 3 months ago, I took 2 hours I didn't have to organize the closet by the side door to house such safety hazards.

Now I can look forward to spending my weekend fixing the minor infraction, and repainting the wall that now has the indent of the back of my heel.

And to add to my unpleasantness, I must sit on the T during my 45 minute commute listening to the "loud" talker on their cell phone. So loud my iPod can't even mask their obnoxious voice.

So don't judge a book by it's cover people. That woman you just concluded is a nasty biatch deserves a second look. She's just a hardworking mother and wife who has already reached her breaking point and it's only 8:30 in the morning on a Tuesday.

Moms DO NOT get sick, they suck it up!

So I have a bump in my jaw containing fluid that is trapped between my throat and my ear. My nose constantly runs, so at least I know the bump is draining.

My throat is scratchy and my ears are crackling. And my head feels like it is disconnected and floating above my shoulders.

Now, if my husband felt the way I do right now, he'd be in bed. He wouldn't be able to watch the kids because he'd be sleeping all day. I would be bringing him cold medicine and tissues and ensuring he had plenty of fluids.

However, I'm the one who is fighting a nasty head cold. I still get up and get the kids ready for school, I still make their lunch, I still go to work, I still come home and make dinner, I still give the kids their baths and get them ready for bed. I do the laundry, and pick up the clutter around the house.

I bring myself cold medicine and tissues. AND I'm the one who makes sure that I drink plenty of fluids. All without skipping a beat.

Because after all, I'm a Mom. I'm not really as sick as I feel.

All I want to do is go back to Disney ;0)

Last spring, my husband and I took our two little princesses to Disney. And the minute I left, I just wanted to go back.

On the plane ride home I was studying the park maps, circling places we didn't get to, marking places we had been, crossing off the restaurants that weren't that great and highlighting the ones we absolutely couldn't miss when we returned. I was officially a "Disney Dork". But I didn't care!

Watching my two little girls take everything in for the first time was awe inspiring.

My oldest daughter (who was 5 at the time) was all about character dinning to meet, greet, and get autographs of her favorite Disney peeps. She also capitalized on any chance to trade the Disney Pins (think pieces of flare if you can remember that reference) with each "cast member" (aka park employee). I guess EBay makes a killing on these pins!

We even visited the "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique" while we were there (highly suggest the Magic Kingdom location in Cinderella's Castle for the full experience — "Knights" & "Pirates" packages available for boys too). Even my husband, who thought before hand it would be a complete indulgence for someone so young, was amazingly impressed with the operation. Each girl had not one, not two, but three royal maidens attending to them at once. One royal maiden for makeup, one for hair, and one for nails. My daughter was in heaven! She kept batting her eyes at all the attention, acting as if it were completely natural to be waited on hand and foot. All I could think to myself (in between snapping 1,000's of pics) was don't get use to this kid!

The youngest of my two daughters was 11 months at the time of our trip. Both my husband and I couldn't believe how much she thoroughly enjoyed herself. We thought she would sleep in the carriage the entire trip. Uh uh, not this girl! She giggled constantly on the kiddie rides, with her eyes bright and wide. Her continuous clapping let us know that the Epcot ball contained her favorite ride, "Spaceship Earth". Her mouth would hang open as she steadily watched the street performers dance and sing. She didn't take her eyes off of them for a second. Being under a year old, she hadn't really had much table food up until this point. I can't think of a much better way to expose a little one to all the world's "yummies" than a sea of buffets! Almost every picture of her contains a messy smile and a "Mickey Mouse" shaped plate of food.

And the parades! Oh the parades! They were colorful, boisterous, and magnified life. The music and dancing captivated all of us.

There was so much to see and do, a week just wasn't enough to take it all in!

I do have a few requirements for our Disney Adventure the next time around. The deluxe meal plan is a must, stay at one of the three hotels on the Monorail (waiting for busses wastes too much park time), book 10 days instead of 7 (each park uses up 2 -3 days if you want to see everything) and spend the day at the same park where you have booked your dinner reservation for that night.

Hmmm, I wonder if Disney is running any specials now?

I Should Be Home, I Should Be Home

I say a lot how lucky I am that my husband stays home with the kids. I know that our family - one based on one income and two parents is not the norm these days and we are unbelievably lucky to be able to get by on my income. But it doesn't change the feeling deep in my gut that says as the mom I should be home.

And it's funny because when we meet new people, they always ask how is it for my husband to be a stay at home dad since it is still rare. How is it for him? Does he miss work? Feel inadequate? No one asks me how it is for me to go to work full time. Do I miss the kids? Feel like a bad mother? Why is that?

I know how it is for him. After spending a few months being insecure about being a stay at home dad he now embraces it. He talks about how lucky he is and how much he loves his job. I know how it is for me too. Even though no one asks. It sucks. But it's what I have to do for my family. And they make it worth it.

Sunday Mornings

4am: the girl wakes up - breast feed without getting out of bed. We both fall back asleep
5am: husband wakes up and goes down stairs to let the puppy out. I pretend to be asleep
6am: the boy wakes up - the screams coming through the monitor and the floor boards
6:10am: I come down stairs with the girl - the husband is sitting by the fire with a cup of coffee
6:15am: I change the boys diaper, snuggle the girl in he boppy and sit down next to her with the husband reads the New York Times on his Blackberry - out loud
7:00am: husband feeds girl bottle, I feed the boy an English Muffin, Strawberries and cheddar cheese potato chips for breakfast while pumping
8am: the boy will no longer tolerate his high chair and demands to be let out
8:15: the dog starts barking and the husband drops the girl in my lap to take her for a walk
9:00am: husband returns, father in law has gotten up and is watching one of the morning political programs. The boy eats some frosted flakes.
10am: more political programs...is Stephen Colbert really running for President? I am tired of hearing about how great Tim Tebow is- don't we have other things to discuss? The girl falls asleep in her fathers lap
10:45am: the boy is cranky, I put him down for a nap I know won't stick and the girl wakes up.

Food consumed by me so far: 1/2 bag mint mnm's, 1 coke, the outside edges of my sons English Muffin...loosing the bay weight=fail.

The Nap Debate

We did the Ferber method in our house with our son. It was a brutal 2 weeks of "crying it out" but it worked and we now have a little boy who sleeps 11 hours a night straight through (barring the full diaper, bad dream, loud noise). However my husband who is a stay at home dad, never used the Ferber method with nap time. He would try to sooth our son into sleep...something that never worked at night and usually resulted in him not going down for a nap. I on the other hand look at the clock and say oh you've been up for 4 hours and your getting a little fussy...nap time!

I give him a bottle and then put him in his crib. Where he screams to high heaven while my husband gives me dirty "see I told you he's not tired looks". Then 3-5 minutes later, silence. He has fallen asleep.

There is no right or wrong way to put kids down for a nap...each child is different. And no one ever wins our debates. Except maybe our son. Who gets his nap everyday...one way or another.

CAUGHT — WITH NO MAKEUP ON!

So to save myself time in the morning, I usually put my makeup on in the car at the T station. That way I can leave the house in just enough time (after getting 2 kids up, dressed, and fed) to be guaranteed a parking spot.

Usually cutting this corner in my routine works out just fine. However, this morning, I decided to sleep in a little bit (because I was up throughout the night with my 20 month old . . . AGAIN). My plan was to park at the T station in the next town over and apply my makeup once I arrived at work.

The train ride goes fine and I arrive in town. I'm going about my business, listening to some Kenny Chesney, thinking about how it's finally Friday and my plans for this long weekend . . . and BAHM! I run into someone I haven't seen in over 15 years.

Now it's not as if I REALLY care what this person thinks of me after this 30 second face-to-face. But, a woman always likes to look her best. You know, kind of like when you run into the first boy who ever broke you heart, and you want them to think to themselves, "CRAP, Why did I ever let HER go?"

While I am standing there exchanging the standard "what have you been up to" chit chat with this person, I wanted to somehow interject into the conversation that I was "sick" or I had a "migraine".... or I was up all night with my baby. For some weird reason, I couldn't let go of the fact that the person across from me may be wondering why I looked exhausted, or not put together. I wanted them to know I don't ALWAYS look "like this". Ugh!

Well, the conversation ended. And I continued on my way... and I immediately sat at my desk and applied my foundation and started the "make myself pretty and viewable to the world" process.

Now only if I can run into this person again during lunch and they can bare witness to my "transformation".

I Want the Purple Crayon

I was reintroduced to Harold and the Purple Crayon recently when it was given to my son as a gift. I had forgotten what a sweet story it was. How it encourages imagination, living out your dreams, demonstrates hope for the future. As long as Harold has his purple crayon he can be anything, go anywhere.

I think some people have purple crayons and some don't. Some people walk through life believing that they can be anything. They are the dreamers, the believers, the occupiers. If success or wealth comes great! If not they will just move onto the next thing. Those of us who were not born with the innate ability to dream often end up in relationships with holders of purple crayons. We are attracted to their free spirits and optimism. We like that they seem to need our pragmatism and rely on us to take care of the nitty gritty side of life.

I have always wanted a purple crayon. But even as a child I was a glass half empty, tow the line, do the right thing kind of kid. I didn't take risks to meet my dreams. And I have ended up with a great life...but sometimes, I wish that I could have a purple crayon, dream big, dance with abandon with my son in the living room instead of worrying about bills. Sometimes I get tired of always being the grounded one.

And the kids? My son is like his father, purple crayon and all. And my daughter, so far is showing no sign of having one. I wonder if she will be jealous of her brother, if she will marry a man or woman who has one, so she, like me can live vicariously through her spouse's dreams.

Did I mention how much I hate grocery shopping?

I'm an avid Peapod user. Let's be honest shall we.... Who in their right mind would find taking two little kids shopping for food therapeutic?

The experience consists of one child tossing food you don't want into the shopping cart while the younger of the two constantly screams to get out of the shopping cart as you frantically navigate up and down each aisle.

Then you dodge the glaring stares of your fellow shoppers that are clearly asking themselves "What is that woman thinking bringing those two kids in here?" As if it were a day at the spa and they were trying to quietly meditate while choosing between Jiff and that other brand of peanut butter.

I glare back with an expression that says, "What, like you've never been in my shoes over here?"

Well for whatever reason I decided to skip my online order of convenience and immerse myself into the Stop & Shop plunge.

As I commute home, I'm dreading the idea of having to place each item in the cart as I race up and down the aisles, and of course back track because I forgot baby wipes or bananas.

At least I can scan all my items with the scan it! app on my iPhone. This is a brilliant invention! I thought the gun was great. But this puppy let's you immediately start shopping. No more standing at the kiosk trying to scan your S&S card anymore (took me at least 3-4 times because the dam thing is transparent). You get coupons directly on your phone, and the discount is subtracted instantly. NO SCANNING COUPONS ;0) AND I can track my spending!

Best part, I can put my loot right in the bags in the shopping cart. No longer do I have to take each item out one at a time and put it on that nasty looking conveyer belt. Nor do I have to stand there and listen to the cashier and bag boy chat about how they partied it up in the woods last night, and how wasted they got.... leaving me longing for the day where it took me two seconds to fly out of the house and head to my destination.

Nope, I scan the barcode at the self check out, swipe my card, pay and leave.... I even get extra gas points for using my iPhone vs the scan gun. A true win win!

Well, a true win win would be the driver delivering the groceries to my door and plopping them on the counter.... SO WORTH THE $$$$

Anywho, I digress. Point clearly stated.... I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING. Who's with me?

The Downside of Breastfeeding

I love breastfeeding. I am one of the lucky ones who it came easy to. Both my kids were born knowing what to do and it required little work or learning curve on my part. I love the intimacy I feel with my kids while they eat. I love that the way my daughter looks up at me all doe eyed and peaceful while she nibbles away. I love being able to give her what she needs without having to heat up a bottle.

As a working mom however she gets a lot of her meals from the bottle. And here again I'm lucky. Both kids happily switch between bottle and breast without nipple confusion or frustration. The frustration comes from me. While breastfeeding is a relaxing and calming activity for me, pumping is a pain in my ass. I am always slightly annoyed when someone else wants to feed her when I'm around because while they get to enjoy my daughters baby blues, I have to relegate myself to another room and pump. While breastfeeding is more acceptable in public then ever before breast pumping is not. At the office I need to stop what I'm doing every three hours and relegate myself to a designated spot where for 15 minutes I pump. If I'm late in pumping I am greeted with breast pain and leakage. Nothing is as professional as to look down and realizing your shirt is soaked with breast milk. The only upside is it doesn't stain.

There is no way around it I know. As long as women re-join the work force while their babies are still, well babies, pumping is a way of life. But I don't have to like it.

When did humidifiers get so complicated?

When I was a kid my mom would plug the humidifier in my room at night, it would make a huge amount of noise and that was the end of it. So I hadn't given much thought to purchasing one when the doctor recommended I get one for my 2 month old. So I ended up standing in Babies R' Us at 8:30 last night staring at a wall of humidifiers. Warm mist, cool mist, hot mist, filter required, no filter required, $49.99, $89.99, $169.99 what???

I finally settled on the Crane Cool Mist Humidifier. Why? Well, it didn't require the filter I would forget to buy when it came time to replace the one the that came with it. It was reasonably priced - because I didn't feel my humidifer needed to operate via remote, control the exact percentage of humidity in a room or program the clock on my cable box. And, I thought it was cute. And since I'm a girl that still matters.

We ran it last night and I think it made a difference. The baby didn't cough as much...although maybe she is just getting better. Either way the baby seems better, I got about 4 hours uninterupted sleep and we now own a cold mist humidifer. Now if I could only set the clock on my cable box.

A 6yr Old's Advice To Her Working Mother

So my daughter asks me, "Why do Mommys that work have to go to work everyday?" ... I then respond with the explanation that some Mommys work part-time and some Mommys work full-time. And Mommys that work full-time work 5 days a week. My daughter responds with "Oh, I understand". There was a pause in her response, and then she offered up this brilliant suggestion that only the logic of a 6 year old would understand: "Why don't you just fire yourself, that way you could get a job that pays more money and you could have more days off!". I giggled a little and told her that was a very interesting suggestion. My daughter's next piece of advice to me was to simply retire. Then she asked how a person does retire. She really cracks me up. I admire her innocent and hopeful view of the world. Everything is a matter of simplicity to her. It makes me happy that my daughter doesn't yet grasp how complicated the world can be. I did explain to her why I would have to delay my retirement for just a "few more years". My daughter then told me that if people wanted, she would give them free lemonade and free hot chocolate. That way no one would have to work. I do wish one thing for both my girls when they are my age. I wish that they do not struggle and wrestle back and forth with the decision to be a working Mother. For some it isn't a choice, it is just merely what needs to be. However, for me, I want to understand why I was raised to want certain things... college, a career... These things matter. But, not half as much as my two sweet girls. "If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milk shakes, oh what a world that would be!"

Pregnant Woman Left Standing On The T...

Why is it a non-pregnant woman sitting will offer a pregnant woman standing her seat on the train before a non-pregnant, NEVER experience the joys of bloated kankles and tailbone pain along with not just exclusive to the "morning" sickness, man sitting? Is it because this said "non-pregnant seated man" does not see this oh, so extremely about to pop "pregnant standing woman"? Maybe they are too busy stretching their legs into the two seats beside them to notice. I'm not really sure. But, FEAR NOT you seated non-pregnant man! I've got this one. The full-time working Mom with a massive migraine due to not sleeping the night before because she was up with her 20 month old will gladly offer said "pregnant standing woman" her seat. Just don't stretch your knees into her legs while your busy marking your transit seat territory.

The Sick and The Lucky

Both kids are sick this week. Not like horrible ER visit sick, just colds. But it means the 15 month old is a snotty mess and the baby has a cough that makes her sound like someone who has been smoking unfiltered camels for 20 years. Sick enough that if I had to rely on day care they would have had to stay home.

This brings me to the lucky. Because my husband is a stay at home dad I didn't have to worry about that. Even though it was hard to leave my 2 month old who just wanted to cuddle and whimper in my arms this morning, I wasn't faced with the challenge so many parents are. What to do when the kids are sick. For so many parents it means calling in sick to work, taking vacation time or worse having to take the day unpaid. And even those parents who have the time to take struggle with who stays home, balancing work and family responsibilities.

So as one of the lucky ones, I am grateful. But I know we need to find a better way to handle this. Companies need to be more respectful of time off for parents. There needs to be a way to shift the balance back toward the family and away from work. Because our kids need us, and when a kid is sick whether with a bad cold or something worse parents shouldn't have to worry about anything but helping their child to get better.

Smartphone Technology = Modern Day Parenting

As a full time working mother and wife, I recognize that my iPhone has become my lifeline to my family and friends. Even to know I may not be the one picking up or dropping off the kids at school, or taking them to the doctors, or interacting with them in the playroom, my phone allows me to be a virtual part of their lives when I can not be physically present.

Now believe me, I know that being virtually connected isn't the same or even close to replacing myself in their daily activities. But it is a creative way to always be accessible to the important people in my life.

I get emails and phone calls from the schools containing weekly newsletters and classroom updates, I text or FaceTime my girls and read books to them. I stay on speaker phone during my commute during their breakfast and hear about all the new exciting things going on.

While in meetings at work, I text back and forth with the babysitter. I receive movies and pictures during the day to ease the pain of missing them.

Even my husband and I utilize texting to add a sassy new vehicle to our mechanisms of flirting.

I don't know where I would be without my iPhone. Between setting important dates and reminders in my iCal and researching new and fun family activities to enjoy when we are all together, my phone really keeps me connected to my life while I'm physically apart from the people in it.

The question I now ponder is "How did working Moms do all of this before the smartphone?"

I text to set up playdates, I email my friends during my commute to stay in touch, I make status updates and send photos to grandparents.... How did Moms, before the smartphone do it?

I guess one day at a time like me, just connected in other ways.

Miles to Go...

Sometimes being a parent, spouse and employee makes me feel like a pinball. All I do is bounce from one thing to the next, put out fires, never really enjoying anything...just doing.

A few weeks ago I was having breakfast at my parents with several other couples (all my parents age). While bouncing my infant daughter against my chest I found myself talking to a long time friend of my father. He had recently been diagnosed with an incurable, degenerative lung disease. The diagnosis hadn't stopped him. He continued to work (he is a farmer and artist). He harvested his beans, brought in his hay and after breakfast was splicing wood to sell to a pulp factory. But today he was sitting on my parents couch with The Poetry of Robert Frost: The Collected Poems on his lap flipping the pages.

He shut the book and looked up at me. "I know it's in here, you know the one." He said. "Whose woods these are I think I know..." Together we found deep in the recesses of our memories the words to Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening. He said the last line with intensity. "I've got miles to go..."

It was a moment in the middle of a busy day, that was part of a busy weekend. I don't remember what we had for breakfast or if the kids took naps or not. But I took away a deep desire to stop and enjoy each moment as it happened. I have started putting down my Blackberry when I feed my daughter. Instead of checking email or reading the New York Times, I watched her eyes looking up at me. I stopped rushing my sons bed time. Taking the extra minute of time when he stayed snuggled in my arms. Our lives are made up of moments. We can't get them back and we can't remember all of them but we can live them as they happen.

Before the work day started...

I work from home most Mondays. And most Mondays this means I am up around 5:30 and get to spend a few hours with the kids and husband before my work day starts. I love these days because I don't have to worry about getting make-up on or my hair done. I can feed my son breakfast and not worry about getting egg on my suit or syrup in my hair.

Today started at 1am when the baby (who is now sick) woke up coughing and spitting up. This went on and on through attempts at feedings and rocking until she finally settled down around 5am when the dog started barking frantically waking our son who started screaming waking the baby who again started to sniffle and cry.

My husband, it turns out had failed to read the new dog food serving size accurately and so had fed the puppy too much food...so much food that the dog had explosive diarrhea in her crate. The dog was caked in poop, the crate was caked in poop even the door to let her out of the crate was caked in poop. Despite all this the puppy was wagging its tale. We quickly devised a plan...the baby went in the pack in play in the living room, my husband took the dog out and would get our son up one he had the dog inside. I took the crate outside and began to try to clean it(I think I get extra points since it was 10 degrees out this morning and so within a few minutes I was dealing with frozen poop). By 7:30 this morning I had scrubbed clean a dog crate caked with poop, given a poop covered puppy a bath, changed two sick kids nasty diapers and fed the baby.

Normally by 8:30 when I slip away to my office I leave behind a small sense of longing. This morning, I lied about an 8am call and couldn't have been happier to shut the door behind me.

I don't think I will ever sleep again

As I sit here on the T commuting into work, I dream of a full night's sleep.

I don't believe I have had one since my first daughter was born six and a half years ago.

Who would have thought that an emergency c-section and a catheter would have resulted in the last eight hours of sound consecutive sleep I would have never experienced again.

My youngest daughter of 20 months has developed a pattern of not sleeping through the night.

This has been going on for about 2 and a half months. Now, for the life of me I can't seem to figure out why.

She was a great sleeper until recently. Is it the 2 year molars? Her head cold? A growth spurt?

Bad dreams? My first daughter is a sleeper. She takes after her Dad that way. A man, might I add, who still has the luxury of sleeping in on the weekends.

But my younges daughter is like me. She will go to bed at an early or late hour... But always be up at the good old crack of dawn. For whatever reason, she can function at "full throttle" with very little sleep. DRIVES ME CRAZY!

Getting back to this Momma's longing for some seriously needed sleep.... My 20 month old has been up since 3:30 this morning. Now usually this results in me lying down on the floor next to her crib. But I was blessed twice at such an early hour. After I calmed the youngest anti-sleeper down, my six year old startles me with her sudden appearance next to my face to announce she is hungry.

"How AWESOME is this?", that's all I could ask myself. Who needs sleep? I can do that when I'm dead right?

The Meaning Behind First Words

My 15 month old is learning to talk which is a wonderful advancement. He has mastered "dada" and "nana" and "more". He can say "pop pop" and "puppy" and "cat." And better yet he ascribes accurate meaning to those words. He knows what they mean or who they represent.

There are key words missing from his vocabulary. Most notably "mama", which I can't help but think is because I am the person he sees the least. Dada is a stay at home dad and so my sons primary playmate and caretaker. Nana takes care of him one day a week, Pop Pop is staying at our house for a while to help with the new baby and the puppy. The puppy is cool. The cat is fun to chase and if you say "more"...well someone is going to give you more of whatever you have.

But mama is a person right now who sweeps in and out of his life. He has ascribed the only other word he can say to me, and it breaks my heart. With a little wave, he sees his mama and says: "bye bye".

A Night Out WITHOUT The Kids Is Like Going To Prom

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm in the midst of celebrating my birthday. Now I am an extremely blessed Mom with two healthy, adorable, loving, fire cracker girls.

Getting adult time in (while NOT being at work) is rare.

And with a husband who works nights, best friends we hardly get the chance to see, never having a moment to myself (unless behind a locked bathroom door.... Even that doesn't always work) GOING OUT ON THE TOWN WITHOUT KIDS IS LIKE GOING TO PROM!

Now since its my special night, I believe a new addition to this Momma's wardrobe is in order! Yes! I am currently up at 6:30 am while the kids are still asleep. Why? You ask. Because I'm getting ready to meet my BFF and Best Madre In The World to go "get my nails did"!

Oh, and did I mention breakfast too?

I use to feel guilty investing time away from my girls and hubby into doing things that I enjoy. However, over the years I've learned one thing:

A happy wife, a happy life... A happy Mommy, happy family ;0)

Just when I thought I knew everything....

I just turned another year "wiser" as they say. And as my birthday approached, I realized

something... I wasn't sure how old I was turning. I actually had to ask myself,"Am I 33 or 34?"

Then I did the math and decided that 34 is too young to be displaying signs of not knowing who I am.

In my 20s, I thought I had it all figured out. I had a pretty good idea of my beliefs and a grasp of who I was as a person. Now as I close in on my mid-thirties, I now know, I know nothing.

As I acheive the milestones of life, such as marriage and having children, my sense of self becomes more unclear. Its easy to lose yourself in the roles of motherhood and being a wife.

Balancing work, raising 2 children and maintaining a healthy marriage requires constant effort.

First Day Back

I came back to work this week after being out for 6 weeks of maternity leave. My second child was born via c-section and I felt like I spent most of my leave recovering from surgery instead of enjoying my new baby. This made coming back to work harder then it was when my son was born.

I only go into my office a few days a week so on that first morning, the sky still full of the previous nights stars, I was filled with a mix of excitement (today I will wear cloths no one will throw up on and have adult conversations) and nervous energy (what if they decided they didn't need me while I was away). My commute is a long one and I was on the road for over an hour and a half before the sun started to rise. My mind shifted back to home and I could see my husband getting our son up, feeding him breakfast while the baby wiggled and fussed in the swing nearby.

And I felt jealous - I wish I could stay home with our kids and be the one who kissed their boo boos and made their lunches. But more I felt relieved - today no one would depend on me for anything they couldn't also do themselves. Then I felt guilty - the dichotomy of being a full time worker and mom more prevalent today then normal.