For my daughter

I hope that you are confident enough to follow your dreams. And know that if the man or woman you choose to be with belittles them, doesn't support them, or won't follow you/wait for you while you pursue them doesn't deserve the greatness that is you. And that you are strong enough to chose your dreams over that person...because the opportunities we have to chase our dreams don't always come back around...and I want your life to be full of fulfilled dreams, not empty regret.

The most important thing

I got some bad news about my grandfather last night. At 92 his body is now in rapid decline and is being admitted to the hospital. As someone in their 30's I know how lucky I am to still have 3 biological and 2 step grandparents living. Most of friends have none. I think though because of not just their longevity but also their good health I have become spoiled. Taken for granted that they will always be there, because they always have. My grandfather has seen me graduate high school and college, go through numerous jobs before settling at a good firm where I have been for almost 10 years now. Seen me get married twice and give birth to two beautiful children. He has been to my house and given me advice on how to get rid of my crab grass (I just thought it was grass) and just last summer I sat with him and my grandmother, my son, my husband and my brother on the porch of their summer home and ate crab sandwiches my grandmother had made for our visit.

We talked about politics and the stock market and the impending birth of my daughter and as we drove away I never questioned that I might not sit with him on that porch again. I have taken that time for granted. That has been my mistake because time is the thing I can not get back.

I know I am a culprit of it, spent to much time wishing away days, weeks, months to get to something - a vacation, a holiday, a big presentation at work, the birth of my children. And something I have been working on for a few years...to be able to just enjoy time. And so when I got home last night at 9:30 I spent a few minutes watching my son sleep in his crib. I took the puppy out for an "extra" walk. I stayed up later then I should have catching up on the days events with my husband. And then I scooped up my sleeping daughter from her swing and brought her into bed with me my body curled in a C around hers.

And I flash back to that last lunch. How easy it was to spend the afternoon and then drive away. How easy to pretend that time won't change things. And I see my own children, growing up so quickly and know if we are lucky there will be a time in the future where they will be the ones driving away. Maybe if I recognize time as my most valuable possession I won't take it for granted anymore.

Little Girls, Little Girls....

(the title should be song as in the Musical Annie )

As someone who loves language I spend a lot of time thinking about words. What they really mean. How we use them incorrectly to the point that they take on new meaning. The word decimate for example is used today to describe when one side destroys another in sports or war. When in fact to decimate means to take out 10% of an opponents troops/players/members. Which for the most part would not be that big of a deal. But I digress...

Having children has made think even more about words. Should I swear in front of my children? (Probably not but I do, frequently). Should I parrot the words they mispronounce back to them? (I am not sure what the party line is on this but I don't). Should I use cute shortened words for things - baba for bottle for example? (Again not sure the right answer, but I hate myself every time I do.) Words are important and I want my kids to hear real ones. And I want them to hear the right ones.

At a recent gathering of friends everyone kept commenting on how smart my son was and how beautiful my daughter was. How strong my son was, and how pretty my little girl looked in her dress. She did look pretty and my son is strong (and smart) but why are those descriptors chosen for the genders? Not long after I came across this article: How to talk to little girls and it has changed how I talk to my daughter.

I want her to hear that she is beautiful, but also that she is smart, strong, patient, caring. That she is clever, funny and talented. As she grows up there are plenty of people who will judge her first on her looks, on her weight, on her clothes and who will tear her down if she is not conventionally pretty, thin and stylish. So I ask people when they spend time with her to compliment her on other things...usually the same things they compliment her brother on...

When we think about the words we use with our children, let's remember that just like they will pick up the swear words mommy uses when she drives they will pick up on the other words we use. They will internalize them. And we have a chance now, when they are young, to build them up so as they grow they will know they are more then a pretty smile.

What I Want for My Daughter

I love my kids equally. And I know they will both have struggles and tough times that have nothing to do with their genders. But I also know that because my son is male he will on average make 30% more then his sister if they go into the same profession. That because he is male he will have access to opportunities that she will not. That because he is male he will be able to have his work and his kids and not have to worry about being put on the "mommy track" at work. I am not a feminist...but I am also not blind.

For her, I want her to be confident enough to stand alone. To believe in herself enough to go after her dreams even when the cheering section is empty. To not define herself through the eyes of a man. To see her beauty when she looks in the mirror not her flaws. To know the sound of her own voice. To trust in her mind. To be "I" and not "we". To enter into relationships as a whole person, not a half seeking their whole.

It is why I tell her every day how strong she is before I tell her how beautiful and how smart she is, before I tell her how pretty.